When my kids were young, they were afraid of a lot of things.
It was frustrating how scared they were of dogs, talking to people, going underwater, riding a bike and other things. When they were small they would wrap their arms around my legs and become attached while I tried walking and carrying a baby in a car seat – not a pretty sight and really awkward and frustrating.
It was such a drama whenever we were around dogs. My kids would cling to us and wouldn’t go play anywhere a dog was.
Washing hair was such a drama dealing with water in their eyes. I thought for sure they’d grown out of it. As my oldest was approaching 8 and wanted to be baptized (which involved going completely underwater in our church), I knew we had to do something.
We went to a child psychologist and a group anxiety class for kids. We learned skills to help the kids think through their fears and also face their fears.
At the group class they got assignments and had to report on them. My 7 year old couldn’t believe a tall 16 year old boy was scared of grasshoppers and wouldn’t mow the lawn. That didn’t scare her. He had to catch a grasshopper and bring it to class. My daughter had to spend time with dogs and practice looking adults in the eye and talking with them, take private swim lessons and learn to go underwater and more.
Later in life, she was planning a group date and the other girls were trying to figure out the details and were stressed and confused. My daughter asked if they’d called the business where they wanted to go yet. They said no way.
My daughter was surprised and picked up the phone and found out all the information they needed and made the arrangements. Her friends were shocked and asked how she could do that and she told them that talking to people used to be harder for her than everyone so she had to work harder at it. Now its not hard anymore.
We have found that being extra sensitive can make us stronger.
It took a long time for me to shift my thinking from being annoyed and frustrated with my kids anxiety to accepting them as they are and finding the strengths and beauty in it.
I learned that my annoyance would show on my face and instantly make things worse.
When I tried to make them do something and I was impatient and irritated, things generally just got worse. I wish I had learned sooner how to empathize with their fear first so they could feel normal and validated. Just feeling that lowers the anxiety and places them in a place to do the work of facing the fear instead of escalating it.
I wish I had learned not to shame. I didn’t realize I was doing that, but I wish I’d known earlier. Telling them to calm down or stop crying right away or that they shouldn’t be upset or crying about this didn’t help.
The most important thing to remember is to first validate what they are feeling and meet them where they are.
Find a way to connect before you try to help or make any changes. Touch, eye contact, sitting nearby, or saying things like, “are you worried? Do you want help? Do you feel anxious? Would you like me to sit by you? Or it looks like you’re upset, Would you like your blanket/fidget toy/stuffed animal/music? Would you like to play catch or walk with me? I get scared too. When I’m scared I like to . .. “
Remember that when they are flooded or in the stress response, they can’t think clearly and just need support until it settles. Allow them to feel their feeling. THEN, talk it through.
Let me help you shift your thinking about your kids sensitivities and fears so you can show up in a calm and loving way that helps your kids move forward instead of adding to the problem.
I’m doing free sessions for missionaries and parents. Schedule a time for a FREE session. Have a quick question? Shoot me an email at info@jillfreestone.com. I’d love to hear from you.
