My family had a dance party (my favorite!), but I didn’t let myself really get into it. We played ping pong but I was only partly there. I was expecting someone at the door and just keep listening.
I was also feeling unsettled and distracted, thinking about marketing and business.
Later I was playing the piano while my daughter sang Les Mis, something I’m normally fully engaged in. But, I was just making sure I was hitting the right notes.
My daughter was all excited and wanted to play and have me jump on her back and carry me around. I just said a flat “no”. I don’t usually resist and avoid things like this.
It’s happened several times this week and finally I’m labeling it.
It’s an empty space for my daughter that is in Chile.
I miss her.
It’s also a lot of discomfort with business building and marketing.
I planned on being sad for days and crying a lot, but I didn’t feel it. I felt a great peace initially, so I moved on to the business things I’d put off until she left, which was really uncomfortable, vulnerable and challenging.
I found myself craving food I hadn’t even wanted the previous 2 months. I was distracted in real life and putting everything into business.
This is fine and normal and expected – it just isn’t how I thought it would look. I thought I’d be crying and aching, but I found myself not really sad, just busy and uncomfortable with business.
At the airport and driving home I cried and cried and then felt supported and loved by God and friends. Many people said and did perfect little things to check in and offer comfort in this life transition. I felt peace and comfort and didn’t worry about her.
The first day she left my 17 year old commented, “don’t you feel like God’s been holding your heart?”
Yes, that’s how I’ve felt. She knew, because she’d been feeling it too.
It was so sweet to feel supported and comforted.
But, I’ve also let myself be distracted & extra uncomfortable with business building.
I’m done being half present.
I suddenly stopped playing the piano and said, “I’m missing your sister.”
My other daughter admitted she was too, especially when we were dancing to one of our favorite songs,
“We are FAMILY, I got ALL my sisters with me”
I looked for the feeling in my body, but didn’t recognize it, its new and unfamiliar. I’m making a space for whatever needs to come up, looking and allowing.
That was written a couple weeks after she left, when I learned that planning to cry the whole day and for days just wasn’t how it would look for me. Since it didn’t come I found myself distracted and partially present without realizing it. Since then I’ve learned that the sadness just comes and goes randomly and when it does, I’ve learned to just let it come and feel it and then I’m more present the rest of the time. I also learned that sadness actually felt like a heaviness, an actual pain in my chest.
Would you like help learning to feel and make space for your feelings? Do you find yourself distracted and not present and ready to learn to be fully present?
I’m doing free sessions for missionaries and parents. Schedule a time for a FREE session. Have a quick question? Shoot me an email at info@jillfreestone.com. I’d love to hear from you.
