Are you done seeing that sad and scared look on your kids faces when you yell or are out of control?
I get it. I was there. And it really is possible to completely change your habits.
In know that right now I don’t have little babies and sleep deprivation anymore, but I have late nights and early mornings with teens and my own needs.
I am aware that it is easier when I don’t have a toddler constantly at my feet, but I did learn this when my kids were between 5 – 11 and while my oldest was dealing with some incredible challenging things and my health was a mess. I know how to help you in the middle of whatever stage you’re currently in.
I found that after I learned to create a safe place for them to feel their emotions without me reacting and mirroring those emotions back to them, over time, the amount of yelling and defensiveness from the teens actually decreased. Have patience, I’m talking months of changing habits in our home.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl
When I was taking meditation classes and studying the concepts, I started to understand better how there actually is a space. It was small and almost imperceptible at first, but there were a few occasions where I started to notice a small pause instead of instantly yelling.
Part of that came from really changing how I feel about yelling and why I didn’t want to yell anymore, how I wanted to show up and what impact it would have on me and my family. There was a lot of confidence building and mindset shifting and letting go of feeling like a victim in my home.
I realized that I had chosen not to yell out of control at my husband and was able to do that and could also with my kids.
I learned to watch my stress response rise and fall, just watching it instead of being victim to it.
I learned that I could watch it like watching my breath or other pains or discomforts while meditating. I wanted to be someone who could choose to pause and think instead of feel out of control reacting instantly.
I wanted my kids to feel safe and not afraid.
Put on your own oxygen mask first – managing your own stress response teaches kids to do it and provides a safe place for them.
When you practice noticing your stress response and taking charge of it, you will be in a better place to model this for your kids and teach it directly as well. They will be more likely to listen to you if you are modeling good emotional management and you’ll be able to think clearly.
I had to make some changes to my daily schedule, which included doing less (doing half as much and actually talking and walking slower), hurrying less and being present more.
I found that I was accomplishing a ton of stuff, but I was also living most often in a stressed state. Being on high alert or highly stressed all the time led to chronic health problems, but it also led me to be quick, snappy, and automatically unkind or yelling at my kids.
When I became more aware of what the stress and emotions felt like in my body I noticed them sooner and could pause and feel them and take care of myself.
This allowed me to be more present when the kids were doing something that normally would trigger anger, frustration, irritation and yelling.
When I was more present and more aware I would notice the rush of heat, tightness or rapid heart that accompany those feelings. Gradually I would notice those physical sensations in just enough time to PAUSE and not instantly react to my kids.
In that PAUSE, I could feel the feelings and ride the wave and let the stress response settle, allowing my thinking brain to work again. Or, I would have just enough brain power to let the kids know I needed to cool down before we could talk.
But, remember that you don’t have to be perfect and your kids learn the most from you when you mess up and show them how to repair the relationship. So, the journey you are making to make changes IS the most powerful example you can set.
Are you ready to take charge of your emotions, your stress response? Are you ready to stop yelling (or at least dramatically reduce it?)
I know your kids are ready. Let me help you today.
I’m doing free sessions for missionaries and parents. Schedule a time for a FREE session. Have a quick question? Shoot me an email at info@jillfreestone.com. I’d love to hear from you.
