When a child or teen is upset, it’s easy to say, “You’re okay” to encourage them to stop crying and feel better.
Generally we think it’s best for them to feel better, to get over it, to smile, laugh and be happy.
But what if its not?
What if it’s better for them to feel what their feeling?
What if it’s better to just let them cry and sit with them?
What if you were crying and someone came up to you and said, “you’re ok.”
How would that feel?
It’s very dismissive, awkward, uncomfortable and shaming.
We cry because we are upset, because we are NOT ok.
Validate the feeling and help them feel it and allow it.
Instead of saying, “you’re okay” when your child is crying, what do you say?
First check your motives and clear out your desire for them to stop crying, calm down or feel happy.
Remind yourself it’s normal and okay for them to be crying.
They are just feeling a feeling.
Allow it.
Remind yourself that their distress is an opportunity for connection and teaching, not something that needs to be stopped immediately.
You can try, “it looks like you’re upset.” or “its okay to cry, go ahead,” “its okay to be sad.” “I’m here for you.” “I love you. You are safe”
to provide a safe place for them to feel their feelings.
Ask questions to help them describe and label the feeling.
“What are you feeling?” “Do you feel sad, worried, frustrated, upset?” “It looks like you are a little tense/upset/worried.”
“Are you feeling . . . . ? That sounds challenging. Its sounds like you are feeling . . . . I can see you are feeling . . . .” “I can see this is hard for you”
“Would you like me to sit with you? Do you want to be alone? Would you like your blanket, a back rub?”
You are reminding them of self-regulating skills and supporting them in their emotion.
Validate the feeling and help them label it.
“Oh you’re worried? That sounds rough. . . . oh . . . uh-uh . . . tell me more . . . really? . . . how?” “I’m listening. I will help you”
“Feeling worried can make my body all tight or shaky or queasy. Do you feel any of those?”
Sometimes all you need to do is maintain silence and hold loving space for your crying child.
When the emotion settles and you can see them physically starting to relax, then you can help them problem solve.
“Can you help me understand why you were crying?”
This is emotion coaching: John Gottman, “Raising an emotionally intelligent child”
Are you ready to learn how to connect with your child like this?
I’m doing free sessions for missionaries and parents. Schedule a time for a FREE session. Have a quick question? Shoot me an email at info@jillfreestone.com. I’d love to hear from you.
