• With all the missionaries coming home, here’s some helpful ways to process this experience in the most helpful way. Many are feeling a lot of disappointment, fear or confusion. Others are seeing blessings and guidance. It’s all ok. 

Dear Missionaries:

You may hear unhelpful comments from people. Please know that you can reframe anything you hear. Simply change what you hear to what is more helpful. Honor the feelings that you have and allow yourself to feel it and grieve and then intentionally choose how you want to think. You get to create your feelings no matter what anyone else says or does. You were made for this and can handle this transition! I know it might not be what you expected or wanted, but you got this!

Dear Parents and friends:

You may be grieving what you wanted for your missionary or because you expect they will be grieving. In your sadness, you may find yourself saying and thinking unhelpful things. It’s ok to think and say all these things, but reframing to more helpful thoughts will help you move forward and create less suffering. Your missionary is lucky to have you!

To everyone:

Let’s start by talking and writing out ALL your thoughts about missionaries coming home before anticipated.

Look at your thoughts and really ask if they are true, helpful, kind, or worthwhile.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings about your missionary coming home so he or she doesn’t feel the need to keep you happy, keep you from worrying, being disappointed.

Missionaries, you can’t control anyone else’s emotions, and aren’t responsible for them either. Only their thoughts create their emotions.

Some of the things we say are just habits we gain culturally, but aren’t actually true or helpful.

Parents & Friends:

This IS a time to grieve and mourn their loss together. Help and allow your missionary to mourn the loss of what they thought they would have.

But, don’t create extra suffering by focusing on unhelpful and untrue things we commonly say in our culture. 

A mission is complete at a few days, weeks, a couple months, 1 year, 16 months, 18 months, 20 months or 24.

Please practice believing this. 

God is aware of the details of your life and isn’t surprised by the length of the mission.

God believes it. God knows it.

We’re just surprised because we think we know what our life should look like or what generally happens. Or, we are grieving losing something we love.

So, this might look like part of the day in tears or rough feelings and also moments of laughter, joy or relief. Take time laying in sadness and allowing it, writing about it, talking through it. Also take time to create intentional peace, love and laughter.

It’s ALL part of the journey.

Now, before you read this list, don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already said these things or hear them from others, just keep saying what is MORE helpful and move forward. I realize that for some people these statements won’t create the same results and that you know your missionary best. Don’t overthink or get paralyzed about what to say and what not to say, just work on shifting your beliefs to what is more helpful. 

Also, it’s ok to say, “Sometimes I think this, but I realize it’s not helpful.” or “I notice you saying . . . but it might be more helpful to say/think . . .” or “Its natural to think this, but it’s more helpful to think . . .”

Just ask yourself, “Is what I’m saying coming from love or fear?”

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What to avoid saying

• “She got to come home early”/ “He had to come home early”
  • “early” makes it sound like it isn’t complete. God knew missionaries would have different lengths of service and any length of mission is complete. 
• “I hope my missionary feels his service was acceptable to the Lord”
  • This fosters the belief that we have to do something to receive/earn God’s love
  • His love is constant, nothing we can do to change his Love for us. 
  • God is pleased/loves you whether you serve or not or however long it is. God knows your path and how different it may look than others. God isn’t disappointed in you.
• “I’m sad she didn’t get to finish her mission”
  • Yes, please feel your sadness that comes when you think this, BUT, don’t keep focusing on “not finished”, which perpetuates the idea that they didn’t get the “whole” mission or that God is disappointed.
• “I hope he feels he accomplished all he was supposed to do”
  • This can perpetuates the false belief that there are only certain people for that missionary to teach and without that missionary, they won’t get the gospel. 
  • This can create worries that he didn’t do enough or could’ve done more. 
  • It sounds good, but can create fears. 
• “You shouldn’t be sad about coming home earlier than expected or sad you’re being reassigned”
  • Of course they will be sad, they’ve given heart and soul to serve and aren’t able to properly say goodbye, nor did they get what they expected and wanted.
  • Some parents and missionaries are glad they are coming home and may feel guilty for feeling that. All feelings are valid. 
• “I’m worried about you” “I’m sorry you shouldn’t have to experience this”
  • Worry isn’t helpful, just makes the missionary feel less capable to handle this
  • Missionaries don’t want parents and leaders to worry about them, so they may try to act like they’re fine so parents aren’t worried. 
  • We actually all are here to experience hard times. All the unexpected things IS what life is now. 
• Why did you come home?
  • This isn’t your question to ask unless you are REALLY close to the missionary. Its their story to tell WHEN they WANT to.

What to say instead

• The most important thing to say:
  • Thank you for serving. Tell me about the people you met. What were they like? What did it feel like to be a missionary? What was fun and delightful? What was challenging? 
• Next most important thing to say
  • How are you doing today? Would you like to talk? Be alone? I’m here for you.

For most people who are talking with the missionary, this is where you stop. You just love and offer your gratitude for their service. You don’t ask more, you give them space to say what they want to when they want to. 

The rest are helpful if you know the missionary fairly well and they WANT to talk more about it

• I can see this is really hard. This sounds really challenging. It sounds like you really miss the people, that you wish you could still be with them. That would be really hard. It sounds like you really care for them. 
• It’s ok to feel sad, angry, relief, shock, disappointment, excited, it’s all ok. 
• Your mission has different parts to it. God knew this and is fully aware
• God loves you and is grateful for your service, but his love is constant no matter what you do or don’t do.
• I know this isn’t what you expected, but you can handle whatever comes your way.
• I’m sorry your mission changed/ended before you expected/wanted. That’s a surprise and would be hard. 
• I’m sorry this is so challenging. It’s hard and sad to have what we expected and wanted taken away. I’m sad too. It’s ok to be sad. Let’s be sad together for awhile.
• You’ve got this. I know you can do this.

If your conversation is continuing and you are close to the missionary, they may appreciate more like this: 

• You were born for this!
• God is in the details. God is aware of you personally, knew the length of your mission before you left.
• Your mission is complete. Even if it may be different than what you thought your mission would be.
• In order to grow and become like God, we have to experience pain and sadness and work through unexpected things. This unexpected time IS expected and part of your story!
• It’s normal to worry, but worry isn’t helpful – it makes you feel like you can’t cope or handle this, let’s choose to believe you can handle this.