It can be so challenging to get out the door to go bra shopping with 2 teens
Finally ready, we’re putting our shoes on, and my 14 year old says, “should I wear sandals or go upstairs to get socks for shoes?”
In a quick tense tone I said, “I’m not going to decide that for you, just decide.” I was a bit frustrated she was asking that since I thought she’d learned to make that decision on her own.
Her older sister said, “Its 40 degrees outside, decide.” and we went out to the car to wait.
When she came to the car she was frustrated.
I started with, “Do you know why I was frustrated?” she said, “yeah” and I said, “I thought you had enough time to get ready and then you suddenly had shoe decisions to make that you wouldn’t make on your own.”
She said, “I didn’t even think about my shoes.” and I said, “ok, I know it’s easy to forget socks and not think about it.”
and after a pause she bravely said,
“I don’t like the way you guys were talking to me about it. I was trying to be helpful and just hurry and put on sandals to get into the car quick if we are in a rush and if there was time I’d go get socks.”
Finally I understood how we’d miscommunicated and how subtle it was and how she would feel hurt by our tone and comments. She knew how to decide whether to wear socks or not. She was trying to be helpful and got judged and attacked.
I told her how impressed I was with her ability to speak up and explain this and tell us what was happening in her mind. I asked her if she understood how we were thinking and why were responded how we did and she said yes.
It now seemed like a non-issue because we were both thinking completely different things. I told her that at her age I didn’t know how to tell my parents how I felt or if I disagreed with them.
My girls told me it was because we talk about mental health ALL the time and when they tell me something that isn’t right, often my response is, “oh, really? . . explain”, or “help me understand, or I don’t get it, I want to know how you’re thinking.”
They said they know we really want to understand and connect and not attack or shame them. Do we do this right ALL the time? Of course not. But, often enough that they forgive me when I blow it and still feel safe.
This took years of work, but mostly a huge shift on my part and my husband’s, this wasn’t how we used to parent. I’m not perfect and don’t aim to be because they actually learn a lot when I don’t do it right.
The way I responded isn’t exactly what you should do. Every child and every relationship and situation is different.
Learning to manage and process and share your own emotions can help you humbly communicate about these things with your kids and then they can start to do the same.
I’m doing free sessions for missionaries and parents. Schedule a time for a FREE session. Have a quick question? Shoot me an email at info@jillfreestone.com. I’d love to hear from you.
